It’s Better This Way: No More Trying Too Hard

Most of my life has been spent trying to shrink myself. Trying to become smaller. Quieter. Less sensitive. Less opinionated. Less needy. Less me. Because I didn’t want to be a burden. I didn’t want to be too much or push people away. I wanted people to like me. I wanted to be cared for and valued. I wanted to be wanted. So for years, I sacrificed myself for the sake of making other people happy. And for years, I suffered. 

But I’m tired of suffering, and I’m done shrinking.

It’s not my job to change who I am in order to become someone else’s idea of a worthwhile human being. I am worthwhile. Not because other people think I am, but because I exist, and therefore I matter. 

My thoughts matter. My feelings matter. My voice matters. And with or without anyone’s permission or approval, I will continue to be who I am and speak my truth. Even if it makes people angry. Even if it makes them uncomfortable. Even if they choose to leave. I refuse to shrink. I choose to take up space. I choose to honor my feelings. I choose to give myself permission to get my needs met. I choose to make self-care a priority. I choose me.

This is a reminder to myself that “It’s better this way.” Sometimes, I just have to accept that in the nature of things, this is just temporary state. Nothing stays the same forever. It’s a scary yet a comforting thought at the same time. Scary — because how can such a beautiful thing come to an end? Comforting — because at least I know that it will always change and in a way, I get to prepare myself for such hurricane (a beautiful disaster I must say). No more trying too hard, only moving forward. 

I know this day would come. We knew it all along. But how did it come so fast? This is not what I want but it’s your call. It’s not on me. – A.