Today Feels Different And It’s Okay

Things have been going well in my life for the past few weeks. I know it’s weird to say this, especially when we are going through the Coronavirus situation. However, everyone knows that I’m a happy-go-lucky person, so it’s a default for me to choose to see the good in every situation. Despite this, I wouldn’t deny the fact that there are days when everything becomes challenging all of a sudden. There are times when my positive energy would run low, and all I could do is hope for things to be better again.

So, today is one of those days.

I feel exhausted, not physically, though. A part of me feels kind of sad, and I cannot pinpoint the exact reason for having this emotion. With how things are going at the moment, it could be because of the changes that I needed to deal with because of COVID. For starters, the construction plans for our new law firm will take a longer time than necessary because of the limited workforce and restrictions on operations. At the same time, it’s difficult to learn, study, and master the new guidelines that lawyers should follow under the “new normal” for filing of documents and hearing of cases. I promised myself that I would watch the updated webinars about these updated laws and procedures, but it seems like I’m not interested at the moment.

To add up to all these, I’m also having a hard time dealing with people who are experiencing depression and anxiety during these trying times. I wanted to help them, but I don’t know how or where to start. It sucks to know that they are going through something, and all I have is the ability to listen. I kept on telling them that I’m just around whenever they need someone to talk to, but I know that this isn’t enough.

Yesterday, I had a conversation with a friend who has decided to seek professional help for her depression. I just saw her recently, so it came as a surprise when she told me about her condition. We were laughing and talking non-stop when we last saw each other. There was no indication that she is depressed. During our talk, she told me what she was thinking for the past few days and how all the little things in her life make up for what she is going through at the moment. It left me dumbfounded. I was speechless and helpless. I knew that there were no words that I can say to make her feel better. I had nothing to offer her but a simple “I am always here if you need someone to talk to.”

Today, I saw a friend posted a tweet that he is struggling and that he needs help. We’re not so close, but he became part of my circle when a common friend introduced us five years ago. We only started hanging out last year as he was one of the persons we could easily call to when we were staying in Manila. He was one of the primary sources of our smiles and laughers last year. He would go to our unit, bring some food to cheer us up, and even drink with us at the wee hours of the night. Hence, again, imagine my surprise when I found out that he’s depressed. In my mind, I thought, “How can a happy person like him experience a mental health issue?” I sent him a direct message on Twitter and just reminded him that I’m also available whenever he needs some saving.

I know I shouldn’t be easily affected by all these…

But you know, there are just moments when I want to surrender completely. I want to feel sad at times, because it is poetic. You may laugh at this statement, but this is probably one of the weird things about me. I cannot detach myself from the people that I care about.

Today is one of those days that I wish things would be different.

I wish the Coronavirus pandemic never happened.

I wish I could save the people I care about from their wild thoughts and self-limiting beliefs.

I wish I could continue with my travel plans for July.

I wish I could dine again in my favorite homegrown restaurant and enjoy my cup of coffee from the 10-year-old coffee shop that I’ve learned to love over the years.

I wish I could catch up with my friends again over great food and drinks.

I wish I could read all the books I bought two years ago, as well as those I recently purchased.

I wish I could attend events again and socialize just like the old times.

I wish I could get back all the days I wasted since the lockdown started.

I wish I could travel again for work. It may be tiring, but I only realized how fun it was when I had to cancel all business-related trips because of COVID.

I wish everyone would have a peace of mind.

Well, what can I do now? I think I have no choice but to accept the sad reality that COVID has affected my life and those surrounding me. I need to accept the “new normal” and move forward to better days.

Okay, I have allowed myself to wallow in sadness today. I don’t feel bad about it. Instead, I feel proud because I came to realize that I’m only human, and I have my weak points too. Being a happy-go-lucky person doesn’t mean that there is no more room for surrendering. I’m giving myself a chance to be sad today, but tomorrow, things will be better. I hope to wake up on the right side of my bed and become more ready to embrace all the uncertainties that will come my way.