The Day I Published A New Blog Post Again

I can’t remember the last time I logged in to my WordPress account. It’s been quite a long time since I published a post on this site. There are a lot of reasons for this. For starters, COVID-19 happened, and it caught me off guard. A lot of things happened in my life – most of them were unexpected. I wasn’t ready for anything, so I had to devote some time in making the adjustments and find ways to thrive despite the challenges. Second, I just started my career as a lawyer, and I had to put in some effort in meeting my clients, taking good care of their legal concerns, and trying to serve their best interests. Third, I was keeping some secrets. I mean, my life used to be an open book, but now, I wanted to close some chapters and not let people know about my story. I don’t know what happened. Maybe as you grow older, you start to realize that some things are meant to be kept all to yourself — not because you are ashamed of talking about them but because they are so important in your life to the point that you want to protect them.

Well, now, here I am. Just typing my thoughts and emotions away. It’s August 6 at 10:52 PM. I am in our living room. The television is on, and it shows Grey’s Anatomy’s Caught Somewhere In Time episode on pause. My laptop is on top of a pillow. The lights are out, and it’s so quiet. I can’t even hear the sound of the split-type aircon that is currently on. It’s quiet. And I like it. But for some reason, I stood up earlier and went to the mini-bar in our house to look for something to drink.

I saw a bottle of Moscato, but I didn’t really fancy wine, so I went to look for more available drinks. I ended up seeing an almost empty bottle of Bailey’s. I wasn’t planning on drinking at all, so it was surprising to see myself felt sad that the bottle was close to being empty. Then, I searched for more and saw that I actually had unopened bottles of vodka and Irish whiskey. At that moment, I smiled. I don’t see myself consuming them any time soon, and yet, I was elated.

I believe my happiness is a result of knowing that I still have something to drink in case the day comes that I crave for one. Take note that our city has been placed on liquor ban for almost a year already, which means I haven’t been out drinking with friends in like the same duration of time.

And guess what? I just stopped myself from writing on my blog to pour myself one glass of Irish whiskey. I may not need that drink, but I wanted it. It was so satisfying to give in. If you’ve reached this far in reading this post, you may wonder what the point of this article is. To tell you honestly, I don’t know. This is just another attempt on my part to immortalize how I feel at this very exact moment. I want to remember this night as that one night when I had my favorite drink again — after a long time. This is also the night when all the what-ifs and could-have-been’s entered my mind.

Tonight, I entertained the different doubts and uncertainties that I have. I also started to question myself: Am I really happy? Is this really the type of life that I want to live? Am I holding back? Don’t get me wrong. I’m not emotional tonight. It’s just that there are days when everything magnifies. In my case, tonight is one of those times. I am not running away from these thoughts. Instead, I chose to talk about them on my blog. I hope that years from now, I will have to read this blog post again and realize that at some point in my life, I was “this” kind of person. When that time comes, I hope I will be in a much better place, and I will be a lot happier than I am today.

Before I end this post, I just want to share one of my favorite quotes from Miranda Bailey from Grey’s Anatomy:

“It’s not about whether you spend your life in a boardroom, your bedroom, or on a beach with a Mai Tai in Maui. When you look back on your life, the only thing that matters is: Did you spend it doing what you love? With the people you love? Were you happy? Did you make the most of this beautiful, terrifying, messed-up life? Did you let go of all the things that held you back? So you can hold on to what matters most?”